EEEeeeee.... its so tempting.... its right there in front of me... calling me... enticing me... yet i simply refuse!! I shall not give in this time... I must be tough... strong... willed....... *sigh* this is SUCH a losing battle. It was lost the day I bared it all... lost my bargaining chip... I can't take it that I'm in this situation... wish there was something I could do about it... but I'm hopeless...

I've tried to block you out... think of other things... concentrate on different matters. But the fact is... you crowd my mind... you saturate it so much so that you're all I'm thinking of. I think its in a part of the brain that I can't control. No matter how i try... I just can't get you out of my head. I would love to let it jus stay there... I wouldn't dream of removing it.... but right at this moment when I'm willing myself to do something I don't feel like doing... it's just not helping. So........

Most probably will eventually end up doing what I willed not to do. Why? All because you mean more to me than my wants. Maybe its my weakness, maybe its my strength. Whatever it is, it isnt important for now. All I want is for you to just drop me a lil buzzz.... at least I'll know its not just me. But maybe you're too busy... too busy to even think of me... to busy to even remember... I don't know.... I'm still waiting for a conclusion....... how long more do I need to wait?? This really is trying..... I'm trying.... Please don't try me too hard... I'm not that strong.......

What I love about being back?
The feel of the wheel beneath my fingers..
The slide of the leather after a corner...
The thrill of speed at my fingertips...
Ohh... the feeling of driving again...
It is just so exciting!! So free...

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy,
I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry,
I’m going to let you go in style,
and even if it kills me - I’m going to smile.”

-unknown-

Its getting clearer...
you've drifted too far away...
I don't even feel the want to make you stay...
Don't you know that I'm too good for you?
Guess I realise that I'm better off without you...
Its more than I can handle at one point in time...
But as the clock ticks away,
The clouds drift apart and the rays now illuminate that which was pitched.
I must have been more than an angel to put up with all that...
How was it possible that I failed to see all that...
I'm definitely going to miss you...
That is no doubt.
But I know that no matter how badly it hurts,
You're just not worth it anymore.
There is a time for everything...
Sorry for the wake-up call, but your time is up!
All I pray is that you'll be 'Xin Fu' one day...
And know that I'm still here as a friend...
Now and always.
Till better days, take care.

Busted....
what more can I say?? I can't hide behind the veil of feigned ignorance any longer. Guess its now out in the open... to be pried and proded... and digested for years to come. What would I do to change history? Nothing. Would'nt trade a single day of it all... even if I'd have to go through the whole ordeal again... it won't matter. Call me a softie... or whatever it is... I know I would still do it. Some people call it naivity... I just think its a matter of tolerance. Pretty stupid maybe... depends on how one wants to see it.
For now... I guess this is it. No more of this. Too much collateral damage has been done. Enough is enough. One day it will all be just what it is... a lil story in a chapter of my lil book of life. Til then, I'll let the dust settle on it. For now...

I cant believe it happened today. I have been trying SO SO SO hard to avoid it... and yet... right at the end of the day, it had to happen. Right now, I'm going to ignore all courtesies and all... so here it goes:

*damn* I can't do it. *sigh*

I detest the way it all seems to not bother you... that neither one cares to be subtle about it. yet you rub it in my face like salt in a fresh wound and expect me to be cheery,chirpy and bubbly about it. I wish I could let you feel what I feel and see if you could stand being in my place.

I detest the fact that my peace of mind is encompassed around you... that you still have such a big spot in my atmosphere, its almost sickening! i wish i could get it out...detox or reboot or reformat of something. Cos everything about you makes me cringe in sheer determination to not crumble and break down.

I detest the fact that everyone around you seems to (both directly and indirectly) pat you on your back and applaude you for the choice you've made... yet knowing full well that it ain't right... even you yourself have spoke about it a zillion and one times... talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

I have always (and still do) detest h**.... fromt he very first day til the very last day... 6 years and it still hasnt changed. I can't stand it really... but i have been really tolerant all these years... and I don't know whats is so great about h**... but what ever it is... my POV remains.

I detest the fact that I can't tell you to your face no matter how much I want to. It keeps playin in my head over and over again... yet all that comes out is either a smile or a polite "Nothing". So many apologies I've accepted but the fact it that... you did what you didn't want to do... and its done. No amount of apologies will ever erase or change that.

I detest the way you make me do all sorts of stuff with great pleasure... that you wish is always my command... even though I try not to.
I detest so many things I can't even think of them all right now... but I need to get it out of my system. Cos i don't want to harbour any more than i already have... and you know what?
As much as I detest ALL these things.. and i know that I'm better off without, I still can't help it. I don't want it, yet I don't want to let it go. Anyway, if anything... peas in a pod would suit you... the more I see it, the worse it is.
Maybe one day you'll come to your senses... or maybe you will be able to see what i see... maybe that day will never come. Who knows.....

If each of us is like a fire, then you're like amber. Not ashes... but burning coals of amber...glowing, yet not alight. Give it a little more drive and it could burn... or let it grow cold and it will die. Where did the warmth of the fire go? How did the light grow dim and out of sight? Where has the dancing flames retreated to? As much as I want fire, I guess there is no more coal left to feed it. Maybe it's best to let the glow just die... and build a new fire.
But is it possible to build one from scratch again? To maintain enough friction and warmth to make a spark that will catch the kindling and produce fire warm enough to produce heat and light to shine along the way? Only time will tell...